Last week I blogged about 9 common tactics of manipulators and closed by asking you to think about whether you are easy prey for manipulation. If you answered “yes”, it’s important that you understand that you will never change the manipulator when you confront their manipulative tactics directly. They will just switch to another tactic. So if you want to change, change begins with you.

You must recognize that someone is attempting to manipulate you.

Awareness is the first step of all change. But you are not going to change the person doing the manipulating. You are going to change you. Manipulation is only effective if it works to control you. Therefore, you must begin to identify what’s going on in you that keeps you easily manipulated by others.

The three most common reasons we allow ourselves to be manipulated are:

Fear:  Fear comes in many forms. We may fear the loss of relationship, we may fear the disapproval of others, or we fear making someone unhappy with us. We also fear the threats and consequences of the manipulator’s actions. What if they actually succeed at doing what they threaten?

We’re too nice:  We enjoy being a giver, making people happy, and taking care of other’s needs. We find satisfaction, and our self-esteem and self-worth often comes from doing for others. However, when we don’t have a clear sense of self and good boundaries, manipulators sense this in us and exploit it to their own advantage.

Guilt:  We live under a lie that we should always put other people’s wants and needs ahead of our own. When we try to speak up or put our own needs out there, manipulators often exploit us and attempt to make us feel like we are doing something wrong if we don’t always put their wants and needs ahead of our own. Manipulators define love as always doing what I want/need you to do. Therefore, if we have a different opinion, need, want or feeling, we are told we are unloving and then may feel guilty if we express or want to do something different.

What you need to overcome a manipulator’s tactics:

Develop a clear sense of self:  You need to know who you are, what you want, what you feel, and what you like and don’t like. You need not apologize for these things. They are what make you you. Often times we fear that if we state what we need, feel, think or like, we’re being selfish. But it isn’t selfish to know who you are or what you want. That’s healthy. Selfishness is demanding that you always get what you want or that other’s always put you first. In the same way, when someone else demands that of you, they are being selfish and disrespectful of your personhood.

Jesus knew who he was. Because of his strong identity in the Father’s Word, he was not manipulated when people wanted him to do things the Father did not call him to do. He also was not derailed when other’s defined him as crazy or demon possessed.

The ability to say “no” in the face of someone’s disapproval:  Healthy people live in reality. The truth is, when we can’t accommodate someone else’s desires or needs, they naturally will feel disappointed. That’s human, and most people will adjust and move on. Healthy people know that they don’t always get everything they want even if what they want is legitimate.

However, when we cannot tolerate someone else’s disappointment or disapproval when we say “no”, then it’s harder for us to say it or have boundaries. Manipulators capitalize on this weakness and use disappointment and disapproval in extreme forms to get us to do what they want.

Read Mark 1:29-39 and see how Jesus said no to Peter and his friends who were waiting to get healed. Do you think they felt disappointed? How did Jesus handle that?

Tolerate someone else’s negative affect (disappointment, sadness, and/or anger without backing down:  We can show empathy for someone else’s sadness or hurt or even anger when we can’t accommodate him/her without backing down and reversing our decision.

For example, in many of the examples of manipulation I wrote in last week’s blog, a mother was attempting to get her adult child to come to her home for the holiday. If you don’t want to be manipulated into saying “yes” when you want to say “no”, you can say “Mom I know this is hard for you and you’re disappointed and sad that we won’t be there. I hope you will try to understand it’s just too difficult for us to travel that far over the holiday with all the children.”

Remember, a healthy relationship is characterized by mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. If you are in a relationship with someone who uses manipulation regularly, as you get stronger, you can invite him/her into healthy change simply by not allowing yourself to be manipulated. This will create a crisis of sorts in your relationship.

Either the manipulator will begin to back down and respect your time, your feelings, your desires and your needs, or they will move on to another person who is more easily manipulated.

Most individuals who regularly use manipulative tactics do not intentionally set out to do harm. They may not even be aware that their relational style is one of manipulation. It is what has worked; it is what they know.

Healthy people engage in dialogue where they discuss, negotiate, compromise as well as respect one another’s differences, feelings and desires. A manipulator pushes and pressures to get his/her own way by ignoring stated or implied boundaries, trying to get you to back down, make you feel guilty or afraid so that you will give in and give them what they want.

The manipulator’s goal is to control your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. They want to get what they want regardless of what it costs you. They often use multiple combinations of these techniques, but the most common ones are:

1.  Guilt tripping or making you feel bad about your own feelings, thoughts and needs

“If you don’t sign for this home equity loan, I will lose my business, and it will be all your fault.”

“Donna’s husband says she doesn’t mind that he is professional friends with other women. What’s wrong with you?”

“Everybody else can go to the party; why do you have to be so controlling?”

“I guess I’ll manage if you can’t come over to help me today, but I don’t know how.”

“I thought you loved (cared about) me. I guess I was wrong.”

2.  Misquoting

“You said you would sign for the loan.” (When you only said maybe you’d sign for the loan).

“You told me you would support me in my business, and now you’re not.”

“Jesus said that we’re to forgive and forget the past. Why do you keep bringing it up?”

“God says I’m the head of the home. Why do you keep questioning my decisions?”

3.  Bullying and Threats

“If you don’t sign that bank loan, you’ll be sorry.”

“If you don’t forgive me and take me back soon, I’m filing for divorce.”

“If you leave me, I’ll take the kids, and you’ll never see them again.”

“If you don’t shut up right now, I’m going to leave.”

4.  Pleading, begging and repeating something over and over and over again until you wear down

“Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeese?”

“I just want to talk with you. Why can’t we talk? I only want to talk with you. I only want 10 minutes of your time (which stretches into hours if you allow it) to talk to you.”

“Why can’t you come to our house for the holidays? It would mean so much. You know dad and I aren’t getting any younger. Everything is going to be there.  Please come? We’ll really miss you. Why wouldn’t you want to come?”

5.  Crying, acting dependent, despondent, sulking, withdrawing

“I need you so much right now and you don’t care.”

“I can’t talk to you, you just don’t understand.”

These forms of manipulation are often more non-verbal, the silent treatment, bad moods, nasty eye contact, uncontrollable sobbing, banging things, slamming doors, etc., until you give in and do what he/she wants.

6.  Name calling, personal attacks, criticism

“You’re so mean.”

“You’re so selfish.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This is not the person I knew. What has happened to you? You used to be such a wonderful person.”

“You’re such a jerk. I can’t believe I married you.”

“You’re an idiot–a real moron.”

“I thought you were a Christian.”

“You’re crazy, (sick). Everyone else agrees with me.”

7.  Empty promises

“I’ll never do that again, I promise.”

“I will take care of the kids on the weekend; just let me go out tonight.”

“You don’t have to come next Thanksgiving, just come this Thanksgiving.”

“If you let me back home, I promise I’ll go to counseling.”

8.  Appealing to a higher authority

“You know you’re supposed to submit and do what I want you to do.”

“God hates divorce. You’re sinning if you divorce me.”

“You are to honor your father and mother. That means you should come to Thanksgiving at our house.”

“The Bible says you should forgive and reconcile. You’re disobeying God.”

9.  Lying, either by omission or commission

“I never said that.”

“I don’t know what these charges on the credit card or cell phone bill are for; it must be a mistake.”

“It’s just a friendship, nothing more.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

You will never change the manipulator when you confront their manipulative tactics directly. They will just switch to another tactic. So if you want to change, change begins with you. You must recognize that someone is attempting to manipulate you.

Next week I’ll talk about countering the manipulator’s tactics.  But until then, ask yourself the question:

Are you an easy prey for manipulators? Why or why not?

This month I’ve been blogging about the essential ingredients in healthy relationships. Some of you have recognized that your relationships are painful and want to know what steps you can take to turn things around.

Last week I emphasized the importance of recognizing that change begins with you. Most of the time we miss this important truth and we spin our wheels trying to change the other person, which will always frustrate us. The only person we have any control over is our own self. However, as you begin to make the changes you need in order to be a more mature person, the difficult or destructive relationships won’t stay the same.

Let me explain. Relationships are a lot like ballroom dancing. You have a partner and, if he or she steps on your toes, you’re not happy. You speak up and say “ouch”. You ask him to be more careful or dance differently. In a normal relationship, the other person will care about your feelings and do something to stop stepping on your toes. When Anna shared her feelings with her friend (from last week’s blog) her friend made significant efforts to work on her own dependency issues and worked hard not to have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of Anna.

But what if your efforts to speak up fall on deaf ears and nothing changes? Or worse, what if you’re mocked and told you’re being ridiculous (or ungodly) for bringing it up? Then what?

Jesus said, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17)

Jesus knows that some relationships fail because one person refuses to stop behaviors or attitudes that are damaging the relationship. All relationships, even good ones, contain elements of sin, conflict, selfishness and difficulty. It’s not our sin, however, that keeps our relationships from healing or changing, but rather our blindness to our sin. It’s our refusal to acknowledge that we have hurt another person, confess it, and change it.

If you’re in this place where you’ve talked and talked and talked and the other person refuses to listen, you have several choices. You can continue the same unhealthy dance you always have, you can withdraw from the relationship, or you can refuse to engage in the same old dance but continue to invite healthy change.

For example, Janice’s husband had a terrible temper. When angry, he would rant and rave, spewing hateful words at Janice. When she disagreed or tried to give her point of view, it was immediately squelched. Janice spoke many times to Tom telling him his reckless words hurt deeply, but Tom never changed.

Janice couldn’t change Tom but she could change what she did when he lost his temper. Instead of trying to calm him down, reason with him or allow herself to become his verbal punching bag, she decided when he lost his temper (or showed signs he was going to lose his temper), she would leave the house. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for the entire day, sometimes she’d even spend the night at a friend’s house.

Before implementing this plan, she told him, “When you lose your temper, I’m going to leave and give you time and space to get control over yourself. When you have calmed down, I will come home.”

Janice refused to engage with Tom in the same old dance. By changing her steps, the relationship began to change. Tom didn’t like Janice’s new steps, but he began to see she meant business. When refusing to engage in the same destructive pattern what you’re saying is, “My request is not negotiable. I won’t argue with you about it or defend my position.  I will not continue to live in fear, or be controlled, or disrespected, or degraded, or cheated on, or ignored (as appropriate to your situation). In other words, I would like to dance with you but I won’t dance with you in the same way anymore.”

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself being accused of being mean, abusive, and controlling when you change the way you handle the same situation. Don’t argue or defend yourself. That only engages the destructive dance again. The other person may even retaliate against your newfound strength and want you to back down by trying to make you feel afraid or guilty. He or she may accuse you of being too sensitive, too selfish, or unrealistic in your expectations. The implication is that you have no right to challenge the way he or she treats you.

That’s not true. If this happens, stay calm but firm in your resolve. If you back down now, you will continue in the same destructive dance you’ve always danced. God calls us to treat others with love, grace, kindness, and truth so remind yourself that you’re taking these strong steps toward creating a new dance in the hopes that in time, your friend or spouse learn new dance steps too.

First it’s important to recognize that change always begins with you.

Anna thought she had a good friendship with a woman at church but over time Anna began feeling smothered and irritated with her friend. Anna asked, “How do I keep her as a friend and still have my own life? She calls me all the time and gets offended if I don’t return her call or I’m too busy or have other plans.”

In order for Anna to change things in this relationship, Anna must speak up. If she doesn’t, eventually her feelings will reach a boiling point where she will blow up at her friend vomiting out her angry emotions and/or distance herself from her friend entirely.

Therefore, when you want to change relationship patterns that have already been established in an unhealthy way, I recommend several steps to make this difficult conversation more likely to result in a positive outcome. And, that’s the goal, isn’t it? This is not the time to dump your negative feelings on your friend (or spouse) but rather, to invite him or her to hear what you have to say so that the relationship can change and become healthier.

Here are five (5) steps you should take before having this important conversation.

1.  Pray:  Ask God for a humble heart and a gentle spirit. Ask him for the right words to share what’s been upsetting you without blaming or judging the other person.

2.  Prepare:  Difficult conversations require time to think about what you want to say and how to say it wisely. Hard words need not be harsh words. Write it out. Wait 24 hours then reread it. Is it what you want to communicate?

Begin your conversation with the positives about the person and why you value this relationship. Confess your own unhealthiness before you ask for a change. For example, Anna could say to her friend,

I love being with you. You’re funny and creative and I have never laughed harder with a friend in my life. But I need to share something with you. I haven’t been totally honest about something and I need to do so now. I’m starting to feel anxious whenever you call because I know you’re going to feel disappointed or offended if I don’t have the time to talk right then. It’s not that I don’t care about you or our friendship, but I need more space without you feeling like I don’t care about you. I have other things I have to do or other people I enjoy hanging out with too. That doesn’t mean I think less of you, but there is only one of me.”

3.  Practice: Rehearse what you’ve written at least 20 times. This is an awkward conversation and you want to make sure you say what you want to say without forgetting something. You only get one shot at this kind of conversation, do everything you can do to say it well (Psalm 141:5).

4.  Plan the time and place:  You want to have this conversation at a time and place that you are most likely to be heard. Don’t wait until late at night or try saying this when someone is preoccupied or rushed. When Queen Esther needed to talk with the king about Haman, she realized the first dinner wasn’t the right time so she invited him to come a different night ( Esther 5 and 7).

5.  Place the outcome in God’s hands:  You can’t control another person’s feelings or reaction, but you can control your words and your voice tone to make a positive outcome more likely. However, the scriptures remind us, “As much as it is up to you, be at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). There are times we do all of the steps and yet our friend is unable or unwilling to hear what we have to say. This is not the time to return to your own unhealthy ways just to keep the peace or preserve the relationship. You must persevere in your own growth yet show patience with your friend, asking God to help them see.

Understand this. Whenever we try to change the status quo of a relationship─better known as rocking the boat─we will face resistance (a little or a lot). It’s important to press through this awkward and uncomfortable stage until a new pattern is established that you both can live with.

Sometimes that never happens. However, the longer we tolerate what is intolerable, the more difficult it will be to alter the relationship.

Why don’t you share how you have successfully turned an unhealthy relationship around.

Thus far I’ve blogged about mutuality and freedom in relationships. This week I want to talk about the importance of reciprocity in maintaining healthy adult relationships. Reciprocity means that both people in the relationship give and both people in the relationship receive. Power and responsibility for the care and maintenance of the relationship are shared, and there is not a double standard where one person receives the goodies of the relationship while the other person does most of the work.

There may be seasons where one person gives much more than the other due to illness, incapacity or other problems, but when both individuals in the relationship are capable, reciprocity means that both individuals are givers and both individuals are receivers.

For example, John and Mary constantly argued about their budget. Mary required John to be accountable for every penny he spent, yet Mary did not hold herself to that same standard. She always had an excuse as to why her spending was more justified than John’s. John agreed that Mary was a better money manager than he was yet there was something fundamentally imbalanced in their marriage. Over time, he began to feel resentful and started acting out like a rebellious teenager, taking money out of the ATM without telling Mary. That caused more conflict between them.

John wanted some decision making power as to how they managed their money. He wanted to be a part of a “we” decision regarding their finances instead of feeling like a child being given an allowance. In order to rebalance their marriage, Mary would need to share the decision making with John instead of informing him of her decisions.

In another example, Amber felt frustrated with herself for always saying “yes” when she wanted to say “no”. She lacked the freedom to say no in her relationships because she feared that if she said “no”, people wouldn’t like her or she would lose their friendship. But as she began to evaluate her relationships, she realized that most of her friendships were very lopsided, with her being the giver and her friends being the takers. It didn’t surprise her that she felt afraid that if she stopped being such a generous giver, she might lose some of her friends. Yet she was tired of having friends who gladly took from her yet never gave anything back.

Amber realized that if she wanted to have healthier relationships with these people, she would need to start speaking up about her own needs and feelings in the hopes of rebalancing their relationship.

And, that will be our topic for next week’s blog. How do we invite a person into healthy change once we realize that there are significant elements of our relationship that are unhealthy? What could John say to Mary or Amber tell her friends that might invite constructive change?

I’d love to hear from you. Share how you see your closest relationships functioning? Do you have mutuality, freedom and reciprocity? If not, what’s missing and why?

Bank tellers and merchants learn to distinguish real money from counterfeit by examining genuine $100 bills over and over again so that they more likely to spot the counterfeit bills when they seem them.

In the same way, it’s important that we learn some of the ingredients necessary for healthy relationships. We want to be wise and able to discern when a relationship is unhealthy and even becoming destructive. Just because someone is a Christian doesn’t mean they are spiritually or emotionally mature.

Last week I talked about the importance of mutuality in healthy relationships. Today I want to talk about the necessity of freedom. God has given all human beings the freedom to choose. In the Garden of Eden, God did not order Adam and Eve to love and obey him. That would not have been a mutual relationship. Instead God created an environment where they had a choice. Although they choose poorly, God doesn’t want relationships with robots. He wants his people to choose to love and follow him.

In healthy adult relationships, an important ingredient is freedom to choose–freedom to respectfully share our thoughts, ideas, desires, and feelings with another person without fear of punishment or retaliation. If we aren’t free, then there is something wrong with us (often fear of man issues) or wrong with the relationship (it’s unhealthy and/or destructive).

We’ve all witnessed the results in history, in fundamentalist religious groups and in families when freedom is squashed. Members are not free to question, to challenge, or to think differently than the group. They are not free to grow or to be themselves without fear of painful consequences.

Married couples and close friendships need freedom in order to thrive. I do not mean the freedom to do whatever you want. When you commit to someone, you willingly choose to limit some of your choices (especially in marriage). But all healthy relationships need freedom to disagree, to respectfully challenge someone’s thoughts or decisions, and to say no without fear. When one adult is in a relationship with another adult and she has no decision making power, she is either extremely sick or unconscious (physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally).

If you have allowed someone to take your decision making power from you, you must reclaim it if you want to get healthy and have healthy relationships. Your will is one of God’s gifts to you, and a good relationship with someone is impossible when one of you lacks the freedom and power to choose.

On the other hand, if you are the person who tends to dominate and control others, if you want healthy loving relationships, you must learn to stop and let go.

Here is a short prayer by Susan Muto, taken from her poem, Free Again for your Presence, in her book, Practicing the Prayer of Presence.

Lord, create around me a climate of gentleness
     in which each person can express himself without fear.
Let me not be tempted
     to force others to pretend to feelings they do not have
     simply to please me, to make me feel good.
Teach me the art of redeemed, spiritual living. 

As a Christian counselor, I see up close the devastating consequences of destructive relationships. Families are torn apart, churches split and friendships fracture. There is nothing more important to God than authentic relationship, both with him and with others. He wants us to learn how to love well, how to forgive, how to forbear with one another’s weaknesses and, when necessary, how to speak the truth in love. This month I want to look at what healthy relationships look like and the essential ingredients that are absolutely necessary for them to flourish.

If any one of these components are not present or practiced by both people (not necessarily equally all of the time), your relationship with that person will deteriorate. If left unaddressed, it may even become destructive. In this blog, I want to talk about the necessity of mutuality for a  healthy relationship.

1.  Mutual caring   This may seem obvious but we may find ourselves in a relationship with someone where we are usually the giver and the other person is the taker. I’m not talking about keeping score, but in healthy adult relationships, there is a mutual caring for one another’s needs, feelings, thoughts, and/ or interests.

Even a professional relationship such as a doctor/patient there is an expectation of mutual caring. If you are sick and need an immediate appointment, you would hope that your doctor would care about that and see you as soon as possible. And your doctor hopes that you care enough about his needs to get to your appointment on time and pay your bill in a mutually agreeable way.

If you are the one always doing the giving and the other person is disrespectful or indifferent to your needs or feelings, understand that it is not a healthy relationship. Ministry is often one sided and helping others who need our care is part of God’s plan. However, these kinds of relationships rarely lead to deep friendships unless they become more mutual.

2.  Mutual honesty   Not all relationships require you to take off your emotional clothes so to speak unless the relationship is an intimate one. However, all relationships thrive on authenticity so that someone gets to know the real you. Lying, pretending, twisting or manipulating words or events to make something appear one way when it is really another is dishonest. All types of deceit erode the foundation of trust necessary for any relationship to deepen.

If you are in a relationship where you can’t speak honestly about whom you are, how you feel or think, or what you want, then you, or the relationship (or both), are not healthy.  Ask yourself why can’t you be honest?

Women have often silenced themselves because they’re afraid that they will cause conflict if they truthfully say how they feel. I’m not advocating that we blurt out our ugly feelings at the moment of their greatest intensity just to be honest. That’s a lot like vomit. It feels better getting it out, but vomit belongs in the toilet and not on your spouse or friend.

Instead, ask God for the right words to share what’s wrong or to confess something you’ve done. Being open and authentic builds trust and joy, knowing that you are loved for who you really are, not who you’re pretending to be.

3.  Mutual respect   Like love, respect is a gift given to someone, not something he or she earns or always deserves. Each person is created in God’s image and, for that reason alone, we should show respect toward them whether or not we like them or agree with their values or behaviors. For a relationship to flourish, however, respect must go both ways.

When hard words need to be spoken, they need not be harsh. Speaking the truth in love is respectful, constructive (versus blaming, shaming or critical), well-timed, and open to listening to another person’s perspective, feelings, or opinions without criticism or indifference. Honoring another person’s boundaries, limits, and allowing differences to be freely expressed also demonstrates respect.

If you cannot safely disagree and have a constructive conflict with someone you feel close to, the relationship is not healthy.

If you recognize some of your relationships are unhealthy or even destructive, don’t give up. Do your part to turn them around by inviting and initiating healthy change. Barb and I have worked hard over the years to be transparent and honest, care for each other lovingly, and respect each other’s differences. Share your concerns and work together to change. If mutually done, you will reap the rewards of a great relationship.

To learn more about the difference between healthy and destructive relationships, see Leslie’s book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, or visit Leslie’s website at www.leslievernick.com.

Some of you might be wondering, this all sounds good, but where do you actually start?

Start simply. Begin by sharing a concern or hurt and ask for prayer from your family members. When you do that, your children learn that grown-ups aren’t invincible or problem free and they learn to care about their parent’s difficulties and hurts in addition to their own. Don’t forget to follow up and share how God answered their prayers or what changed in you or how you sensed his strength, love or comfort.

Second, take some time as a family to notice what’s good in the midst of hard things or to find something specific to be thankful for. You can do this while driving in the car or sitting on their beds at night before tucking them in. Review their day and ask them, “What are you thankful for today?” Or, if they faced particular hardships that day like a bad grade, a difficult relationship, or a disappointment, you can say, “Let’s look at what’s good about this situation.” Practicing looking for the good and giving thanks in all things readies you to do it more naturally in the more difficult times.

The next step might be to work together to practice handling small trials in a godly way. Like an athlete trains for an important game or a musician practices for her concert, we too can train ourselves to be godly by practicing handling the minor irritants and disappointments of life in a God-honoring way. When you burn dinner, the washing machine overflows, or the kids spill their milk for the third time, your response reveals your theology of suffering, regardless of what you preach. As you practice handling small irritants with grace, when the harder trials happen, we’re more prepared (1Timothy 4:7).

In my book, How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong, I give a five-step process called The TRUTH Principle that helps us move our faith from our head to our heart, especially during times of difficulty. Recently a young mother came up to me during a retreat I was speaking at and shared that her daughter’s teacher had taught the children how to walk through the steps of The TRUTH Principle throughout the school year, and they had been practicing the steps in school. When the woman’s husband (the child’s father) lost his job, the little girl volunteered to do family devotions that evening. She taught the entire family the steps of The TRUTH Principle and together their family moved through that difficulty in a God honoring way.

Over the past four weeks, I have given you specific strategies which can help you navigate life’s storms with greater family cohesiveness and joy. With small steps and regular practice, these tools will help your family navigate safely even when you’re thrust into the dark waters of adversity. But, like my unused emergency ladder stored in my upstairs closet in a sealed box, they will be only be useful to you in a crisis if you practice using them ahead of time.

Life is hard and sometimes very painful. As Christians we are not protected from adversity, but if we can remember the bigger picture, it gives us hope and brings comfort amidst the temporal pain (See Paul’s use of this strategy in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18.)

Practice Looking Through a Wide Angle Lens

I find people’s hope is often in the form of “I hope this will be over with soon” or “I hope God will eventually turn this situation around in my favor.” But the biblical hope that the apostle Paul reminds us of is not for any temporal relief but hope in God’s eternal purposes. When we believe that our suffering is not meaningless and that God has a purpose in it, even if we can’t understand right now, we can endure hardship better (Romans 5:3-5; Romans 8:28,29).

Without minimizing our loved one’s suffering, we must remind ourselves (and perhaps them) that God never wastes suffering. He will always use it to draw us closer to him, closer to others, build our character or give us an opportunity to be a light to others (2 Corinthians 1:3,4). That builds true hope in a good God who loves us and knows what he is doing (Psalm 119:68; Nahum 1:7).

When I remember to look through the wide angle lens, even a minor irritation of getting stuck in traffic can become an adventure in hope. Now I see these aggravating moments as God thrusting me into the gymnasium of spiritual growth with the Holy Spirit as my personal trainer. He is teaching me to be patient and self-controlled, and my children notice the difference. James reminds us that we can experience joy in the midst of our trials, not because they’re painless, but because when we look through the wide angle lens, we know that God uses those trials to build in us the spiritual muscle of perseverance, which helps us run the race of faith with endurance (James 1:2).

Practice Gratitude

I never quite understood why God’s word commands us to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). As a counselor, I often thought that verse bordered on craziness. But I have learned it is good to give thanks to the Lord.

Life is full of good and bad moments. None of us can pay attention to everything. But recent research in positive psychology reveals that what we attend to affects our sense of well-being and happiness. When we dwell on what’s wrong, negative, painful and difficult, we feel bad. However, if we learn to give thanks and look for what is good, true, right and lovely (Philippians 4:9), we will feel better.

As a family, practice thanksgiving daily. Gratitude goes deeper than instructing your children to say thank you when someone does something nice for them. In addition, teach them to practice looking for what’s good, true and right about difficult and painful situations. For example, when our house was robbed, we talked about our fear and anger but we also looked for what was good about the situation. It was good that we weren’t home at the time. Instead of focusing on what we lost, we looked around our house and were grateful that it was not vandalized and that many precious things were not taken or destroyed. It was good that the robber’s were quickly caught and that no one got hurt in the process.

In addition, when we consciously give thanks in difficult times, we affirm God is good and is in control. Through thanksgiving, we remind ourselves that God is for us, not against us and that his ways are not our ways. Gratitude thwarts Satan’s attempt to get us to feel sorry for ourselves and doubt God’s goodness.

Teaching our children how to think and view adversity is crucial if we’re to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:1). Our natural tendency is to grumble and complain when things go wrong. But when we train our mind and heart to see the big picture and give God thanks even when things appear negative, our attitude changes. We don’t feel as unhappy, negative or critical. Self-pity and complaining soon fades. Gratitude shifts our focus from looking at what we don’t have to being thankful for what we do have as well as giving us a greater awareness of what God is doing.

This mental shift is good for us, good for our children and good for our family. For even in the midst of adversity, especially in the midst of adversity, those who don’t know God are looking to see how Christians handle things.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon, a well known preacher and author in the 1800’s, said it best when he wrote,

Any fool can sing in the day. When the cup is full, man draws inspiration from it; when wealth rolls in abundance around him any man can sing to the praise of a God who gives a plenteous harvest…..It is not natural to sing in trouble…Songs in the night come only from God; they are not in the power of man.”

One of my clients told me, “Our family never talked about problems we were having. We pretended everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. I think my parent’s believed that if we didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t really happening.”

Ron* was recalling his childhood where he saw his mom change from a vibrant healthy person to an emaciated shell of a woman who spent hours in bed. He and his sister had no idea what was wrong. “My mom never talked about it and neither did my dad,” Ron said. As a child, Ron feared his mom was dying. He sister thought she was crazy. As adults they both realized that she struggled with major depression.

“No one ever explained it to us.” Ron said. “I don’t think my dad ever got her any help. We were so scared.” 

Talk About Problems Instead of Avoiding Them

In every family there are occasions when we need to initiate difficult discussions. It might be around a job loss, a health problem, a relationship difficulty, a financial crisis, or a family member’s sin or secret. Healthy families live in reality, even when that reality is hard. Avoiding talking about hard things doesn’t make them go away. It only teaches people to fear them.

When my two children were 11 and six years old, my husband and I went through a serious financial crisis. Tensions mounted as we weren’t sure we were going to be able to pay all of our bills. I found myself edgy and weepy much of the time. The kids, especially my oldest, sensed something was wrong.

My husband and I learned early in our marriage how important it was to talk together about problems. While pregnant with our first child, Howard faced a scary health crisis. Neither one of us wanted to upset the other by talking about our fear that he might die. But we soon discovered that we felt more alone and sacred when we didn’t share our feelings with each other. So, even though it was uncomfortable, we started talking about what we were facing. Years later, that practice helped us in our financial crisis. Although we didn’t want to frighten our children, we needed to include them in some of our discussions about our money problems. We told them the facts and that we might have to make some significant changes to our lifestyle. When I started crying, my son hugged me and told me not to worry, that God would take care of us.

Talking honestly about problems in the family naturally opens the door for praying together as a family. Instead of feeling all alone and getting stuck in worry or self pity, talking with others and God empowers you to think about and work toward a solution. It creates an open atmosphere in which people learn to share their problems, their feelings, as well as answers to their prayers.

Dinner time is a great opportunity to talk together about these things. Remember to acknowledge and celebrate together when you observe godly character muscles like patience or forbearance developing. The Bible tells us that God uses adversity to build our character (Romans 5:3, 4).

Hard times create opportunities to deepen our relationships with one another and with God. Not talking about things with one another robs family members of the chance to show they care about each other, to help carry each other’s burdens, and to express love and understanding. Of course, talking about problems doesn’t guarantee these things will happen, but not talking about them is an excellent way of cutting off that opportunity.

Allow Emotions to Be Expressed without Shame

Instead of overprotecting your loved one’s from life’s bumps or feeling powerless or angry when strong emotions are expressed, help your loved one cope with their feelings and disappointment in a healthy, God-honoring way.

At seven years old, Jason* faced his first big disappointment in life. He wasn’t chosen to participate in the elite gymnastics team like his best friend, Timmy. Jason sobbed while he told his parents how upset he felt. His mom, Janet*, felt guilty. “I can’t bear to see him hurting,” she said. “I shouldn’t have put him in that competitive situation.”

Before she could help her son, Janet needed to remind herself that rejection and disappointment are a normal part of growing up. Instead of feeling guilty, she needed to teach her son how to handle his pain.

Encourage family members to honestly express their emotions and to grieve their losses. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, it is to them. As they express themselves, listen empathically, but also pay attention to their internal dialogue. We may find that much of our pain is created by the story we tell ourselves.

For example, while her son was crying, Janet heard Jason say he felt hurt and rejected because he didn’t get picked for the team. But as Janet invited her son to talk further about his feelings, she also heard him say, “I guess I’m no good at gymnastics. They don’t like me, and I’ll never be able to play with Timmy anymore.”

These moments provide opportunities for parents or spouses to observe how their loved ones process external events and how they add to their pain by creating a story that isn’t always accurate. It wasn’t true that Jason was disliked. In fact he was a very popular child. It wasn’t true that he would never play with Timmy again, although their time together at the gym would not be as it was.

As Janet listened and provided comfort for her son, she also began to gently correct his thinking. For example, as she was drying his tears, she told him that not everyone is good at everything. Tim was especially gifted in gymnastics. Jason had other gifts like drawing and making things. Later on, when Jason was drawing a picture, she reminded him that God made him unique and that as he got older, his special talents and abilities would be one of the ways he would choose the direction God planned for his life.

Jason’s rejection from the gymnastic team became a special time for mother and son to grow closer to each other and to God. Through it, Janet helped her son grieve his disappointment and accept that things don’t always go the way we want them to. She not only helped him express his hurt and disappointment, but to move beyond it.

Learning how to express feelings, talk about problems and work through the lies we tell ourselves are all important skills that enable us to handle the larger problems in life with greater resiliency. Adversity is painful but it can also be a tremendous time for growth and maturity.

*Names changed for confidentiality purposes